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“We’re not only in the football business, we’re also in the entertainment business.” – George Preston Marshall, pg. 97

“It was what [Tim Mara] had always hoped for but feared might never happen. His city had lost its mind for his football team.” – pg. 116

“They were the most unique set of men in American sports history. They argued and fought like crazy, but the air was always cleared the next day. Through it all, they developed respect for each other and became the closest of friends.” – Upton Bell, pg. 156

“They had built out of nothing […] something millions now cared about. In that sense, their ob was done.” – pg. 326

“David was […] constantly balancing his sense of utter worthlessness with an inflated ego.” – Jason Alexander, pg. 57

“An idea too convoluted couldn’t be that funny.” – pg. 89

“One day you were writing something that just made you laugh, and the next day the nation was saying it over and over. That never got old.” – pg. 180

“My life is all about timing. […] The show was the greatest love affair of my life… We all felt we wanted to leave in love.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 201

“To truly upset a character, you must create a weakness or fear that you can tap into.” – pg. 4

“We care because they care.” – pg. 16

“[Evil characters] should still have their own stories and their own reasons for their actions. […] All villains have a value system that makes them believe their actions are right.” – pg. 74

“A good ending must make sense without being predictable.” – pg. 87

“What does your story present and explore that is universal and timeless? What is inherently human about it?” – pg. 95

“Head writers are looking for writers who can turn out comedy material that requires very little editing to get it to the point where the host is happy with it.” – pg. 14

“The joke-writing process may seem mechanical at first, but as you practice […] they’ll become more instinctive.” – pg. 93

“Let’s say you’re hungry some evening. Isn’t it easier to figure out exactly what you’re going to eat once you decide if you’re going to a restaurant, ordering food to be delivered to your home, or cooking for yourself? In the same way, if you want to create a new comedy piece you can make the task easier by first deciding on a general type of comedy piece. It’s much easier to create, say, an Audience Game than it is to create ‘something funny.'” – pg. 119

“You’ve got to have a beginning that gets you excited, a middle that grips you, and an end that delivers.” – pg. 161

Notes Log:

Terms

• Sidekick – Participates in prepared comedy and makes the host look better (Fred Armisen for Seth Meyers, or Steve Higgins for Jimmy Fallon)
• Bumper – A still photo/video appearing right before a commercial break. Mostly, this is the show’s logo over the live band.
• Cold Open – A minute-or-less comedic scene at the beginning of an episode. It’s infrequent, but one with a celebrity guest can be effective.
• Cold Close – Short comedic piece at the end of an episode, or during/after credits
• Monologue – A series of verbal jokes that the host makes after his entrance. Allows the host to gauge how tough audience will be. Remember, a punchline can be an image, a video, or other media. Every writer is expected to contribute
• Topic – A concise statement of the news item that the joke is based on (factually true, not funny, odd/interesting)
• Angle – Direction the joke will take. Maybe it’s just a phrase. It’s always surprising. If you create the punch line first, you can try multiple angles and find the funniest.

Six Punch Line Makers

• Link Two Associations from Brainstormed Lists
• Link to Pop Culture
• Question the Topic (ex. “Denny’s has a new sandwich called the fried cheese melt. It’s so good, it’ll have your friends saying, ‘Clear!'”)
• Find a POW
• Visualize the Image (ex. “Tom Cruise said about his divorce, ‘I didn’t see it coming.’ Apparently Katie Holmes left the divorce papers on top of the refrigerator.”)
• State the obvious (ex. “A rattlesnake handler was bitten twelve times. If you’ve been bitten, are you even a handler? Doesn’t that just make you someone who doesn’t know how to pick up snakes?”)

Types of Pieces

• Desk Piece – Most common. Host performs this fully-scripted segment, by himself, while sitting at the desk. They are mostly Joke Baskets (a series of interchangeable jokes underneath a topic. ex. Jimmy Fallon’s Thank You Notes)
• Found Comedy Piece – Jokes are based on unaltered objects – not originally intended to be funny (ex. “Obama Expressions” – Jimmy Fallon shows a photo of Obama laughing and says, “stop tickling me, Biden!”)
• Joke Basket Sketch – Involves performers in addition to host, and the jokes are interchangeable & united by a single topic (ex. “Rejected Star Wars Characters”)
• Story Sketch – Involves performers in addition to host. Jokes are NOT interchangeable. Instead, they fit a storyline. Most of the time, the host plays the straight man, while a comic character disrupts the show (ex. “Flashback Master Ron Dempsey”)
• Parody Sketch – Add an angle to some sort of video you find ripe for parody (Ex. “Oil of OJ” commercial)
• Live Semi-Scripted Piece – Host follows a script to interact with unpredictable civilians. Often an Audience Piece: where they tell stories, share talents, play games, vote, or achieve a task (ex. “Dave Calls a Pay Phone”)
• Field Piece – Camera crew records the host performing a task somewhere outside the studio, which can be location-dependent or independent (ex. “Tonight Show Photo Booth”)

Submission Packet Tips:

• Most writers don’t have one. So if you have one AND it’s fantastic, you’re at a huge advantage.
• Tailor it to the show you’re aiming for.
• Aim to write the same, but different.
• Title each comedy piece.
• Write monologue jokes within a week of submitting packet (so that they’re topical).
• 8 – 10 pages.
• Frontload the best comedy pieces, and save the least funny for last.
• Leave plenty of white space.
• Include name, address, phone, and email on title page.
• Register with WGA.

“A career in humor will require years of practice, dedication, and rejection.” – pg. pg. 19

“You throw a perfectly straight line at the audience and then, right at the end, you curve it. Good jokes do that.” – pg. 27

“Incongruity is the clash of incompatible ideas or perceptions.” – pg. 33

“Good humor is a paradox – the unexpected juxtaposition of the reasonable next to the unreasonable.” – pg. 55

“You must believe in the importance of the material, because the audience will be able to tell if you don’t.” – pg. 165

Another Notes Log:

Terms

• POWs (Play on Words) – Majority of humor. It’s a twist on something familiar that uses double entendres, homonyms, puns, etc.
• Malaprop – Misuse of a word for humor (ex. “Having one wife is called monotony.”)
• Simple Truth – Reexamining every major word in a phrase and rejecting its most common meaning. Reinterpret literally. It makes logic illogical. (ex. “I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.”)
• Takeoff – A standard expression with outrageous commentary (ex. “I looked up my family tree and saw three dogs using it.”)
• Reverse – Adds a contradictory tagline (ex. “You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name. And you’ve never been to that bar before.”)
• Exaggeration – Works as an overstatement or an understatement (ex. “When I’m in bed, I fantasize that I’m someone else.”)

Other Notes:

• Hard sounds, like the letter “k” are funnier than others
• Specific places and products are funny than their generic counterparts (ex. “Skittles” is funnier than “candy”)

“Good news is bad news in a tie.” – pg. 59

“But that’s what I wanted, to be on the other side of love – to have had it, as though heartbreak was chicken pox and you were then immune.” – pg. 74

“I had forgotten how when you’re twenty-one you think you know everything. ‘Get older.’ I wanted to tell him. ‘You start to know less.'” – pg. 144

“The world can be horrible. You cannot make sense of it; you can only absorb it. […] But if you try like [trees] do, your exhale can be cleaner than your inhale.” – pg. 268

“The number one thing a good logline must have, the single most important element, is irony. […] The second most important element is that you must be able to see a whole movie in it. [There should also be] a built-in sense of who it’s for and what it’s going to cost.” – pg. 6

“To be a screenwriter is to deal with an ongoing tug of war between breathtaking megalomania and insecurity so deep it takes years of therapy just to be able to say ‘I’m a writer’ out loud.” – pg. 11

“I want you to think a little bit about the question after ‘What is it?’ - and that’s ‘What is it… most like?'” – pg. 23

“True originality can’t begin until you know what you’re breaking away from.” – pg. 42

“I think the ‘who’ has to serve the ‘what is it?’ – not the other way around. And once you have that golden idea, […] it’s time to go to work to enhance the idea with the right characters.” – pg. 49

“The motivation for the hero to succeed must be a basic one.” – pg. 54

“It has to be, first and foremost, about a guy who… we can root for.” – pg. 61

“The logline is your story’s code, it’s DNA, the one constant that has to be true.” -pg. 63

“When you have a semi-bad guy as your hero – just make his antagonist worse!” – pg. 122

“Come up with new ways to bury the backstory.” – pg. 125

“Audiences will only accept one piece of magic per movie.” – pg. 126

“Good dialogue tells us more about what’s going on in its subtext than on the surface.” – pg. 147

“If your script feels one-note emotionally, go back and flesh it out.” – pg. 153

I’m changing this quote log into a “notes log” for this portion. Thank you for understanding.

Types of Genres (pg. 25)

• Monster in the House – It’s about being primal: Don’t get eaten. ie: Paranormal Activity
• Golden Fleece – A hero goes ‘on the road’ in search of one thing and winds up discovering something else – himself. ie: The Wizard of Oz, Billy Madison
• Out of the Bottle – Exploits wish fulfillment fantasies [or explores] the curse aspect of wishing. Shows that there’s something in the characters worth saving. ie: Liar, Liar
• Dude with a Problem – How are you, the ordinary guy, going to handle [the problem]? ie: Die Hard
• Rites of Passage – Everybody’s in on the joke except the person who’s going through it. ie: Ordinary People
• Buddy Love – At first the buddies hate each other. […] But their adventure together brings out the fact that they need each other: the are, in essence, incomplete halves of a whole. ie: Due Date
• Whydunit – It’s not about the hero changing, it’s about the audience discovering something about human nature. ie: Uncut Gems
• The Fool Triumphant – Further examination reveals him to be the wisest among us. ie: Forrest Gump
• Institutionalized – Asks who’s crazier: me or them? ie: American Beauty
• Superhero – An extraordinary person finds himself in an ordinary world. The film stresses the pain that goes hand-in-hand with having these advantages. ie: A Beautiful Mind

Beat It Out (pg. 72)

• Opening Image – Sets the tone and mood of the film
• Theme Stated – A question or statement is posed (not by main character) that gets at the overall theme
• Set-Up – introduces every character in the A Plot and shows “6 things that need fixing” for any callbacks or running gags.
• Debate – Asks a question of some kind: Should I stay or should I go? What’s my choice? Stay here?
• Break Into Two – Hero makes the decision to go into Act II. He cannot be lured or tricked.
• B Story – Carries the theme of the movie or “the love story.” It’s the upside-down of characters in Act I, or a timeout from the A Story.
• Fun and Games – Delivers the promise of the premise. We see what the idea is about! (this is where buddies in “buddy love” do the most clashing. ie: Stepbrothers)
• Midpoint – The threshold between two movie halves. Fun and games are over, and the hero gets a false victory. It’s never as good as it seems to be at the midpoint.
• Bad Guys Close In – The forces working against our hero tighten their grip.
• All is Lost – The hero suffers a false defeat. This is the place where mentors go to die. It’s never as bad as it seems to be.
• Dark Night of the Soul – How does your character feel about it?
• Break Into Three – the A and B stories intertwine, and an idea to solve the problem emerges.
• Finale – There is a creation of a new world
• Final Image – We see proof that the world has changed

“Most comics who stick to doing it have a similar experience. You’re either addicted for life or it isn’t for you.”– pg. 30

“If you put something out in the universe with love and good intentions, some version of what you’re looking for will come to you.” – pg. 30

“No matter what happens at live shows, nothing can quite prepare you for what the digital age has brought into our everyday life – the comments.” – pg. 128

“We live in a time where you no longer need permission to be creative. You can actually do it all yourself. You should.” – pg. 162

“You can have the career and the life that you dream of. The only thing I did was believe I could do it, and I took action. […] You have to know that you are meant to do your craft and you have to act.” – pg. 170

“I’m not special, but I didn’t wait for something to happen. […] Make the life you want happen to yourself because you really can.” – pg. 170

“It never hurts to remind the folks just exactly who you are.” – pg. 9

“In the future, everyone will be anonymous for fifteen minutes.” – pg. 78

“That’s the way comedy works. They either hate you or they don’t completely hate you.” – pg. 87

“I remember a psychiatrist once telling me that I gamble in order to escape the reality of life, and I told him that’s why everyone does everything.”– pg. 112

“The house edge becomes more certain the more hands you play. The less you play, the less you’re against it. Simple as that.” – pg. 205

“It doesn’t matter how cynical I think I am. I’m always delighted to find out that things in this life still have the capacity to surprise me.” – pg. 228

“Nobody ever said your life had to make a damn bit of sense. Just as long as it had enough words – that’s all.” – pg. 236

“And of course, that is the whole fun of a new idea. You don’t know what it is exactly or where it’s going.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. x

“It wasn’t ‘Having’ or ‘Drinking’ coffee. We’re ‘GETTING’ it. I think that’s the real distinction. Someone handing you a coffee is not at all the same as them saying, ‘Hey, would you like to go get a coffee?’ That question is really a way of saying, ‘I like you enough to do absolutely nothing with.’ No higher compliment, in my way of thinking.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. x

“Discovering and describing the world is the only reason I can see for trying so hard to continue living.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. xiii

“Comedians notice every little thing. It’s kind of hell. But you’ve lived that way your whole life, so it’s fun to meet someone else who’s trapped in this hell with you.” – Amy Schumer, pg. 3

“Being funny doesn’t have that much to do with what a great comedy act is about. A great comedy act is a machine that’s built. Being funny is the fuel, but you’ve got to have a whole machine to burn it, and that’s the act.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 3

“Jerry’s line was, ‘Let’s make it like a wallet on a sidewalk.’ We had that conversation. ‘Let’s not promote it. Let’s not tell anybody we’re doing it.'” – Ted Nelson, pg. 6

“He’ll throw away the bottom third. Not because it’s bad, but because it’s not as good as the top two-thirds.” – Peter Holmes, pg. 17

“He’s a real wordsmith. And language for him is comedy. If you don’t use the right word, it’s not as funny.” – Yossi Kimberg, pg. 18

“Comedy is an important art form. I think what makes people laugh defines people. You learn a lot about yourself by figuring out what makes you laugh.” – Ted Sarandos, pg. 20

“Every day I came to work it felt like I was stealing money.” – Peter Holmes, pg. 21

“[Lorne] kept me around, and as things opened up, he found a home for me that allowed me to play to my strengths.”
“And then you figure out you’re funny when you’re you.”
“Which is the greatest gift on earth.”
– Seth Meyers and Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 47

“The show’s for them. The bits are for you.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 50

“If you want to be a warrior you must sleep with your sword.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 51

“There’s no awful gigs. […] Because they’re paying you to do something that you love to do.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 51

“If you got the choice between getting half the money and killing and getting your full check and just doing okay, I think you would take the half the check. I would.” – Jay Leno, pg. 52

“That was going to be my life, whether or not I was successful.” – Jon Stewart, pg. 56

“If you’re bad, you can’t help but get better.” – John Oliver, pg. 68

“There was a guy who took over in the ’30s in the BBC, and there was a press conference. And when journalists said, ‘So you’re going to give the people what they want?’ he said, ‘Lord no. I’m going to give them something much better.’ Isn’t that wonderful?” – Ricky Gervais, pg. 100

“[TV is] like a newspaper. It’s not going to be perfect, but you’ll get it every day.” – Joel Hodgson, pg. 102

“You’re the only audience. If it pleases you, it will please them. If you don’t laugh, they’re not going to laugh.” – Mel Brooks, pg. 105

“People don’t understand that what makes a comedian funny is how serious he is.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 124

“Taste is what’s left after your appetite has been satisfied?”
“Yes. Does that make sense to you?”
“No.”
“Well, think about it. If you’re hungry, you eat.”
“If you’re hungry, everything tastes good.”
“It’s like that with comedy too. When you’re hot, […] people laugh at everything you do. Then after they’ve seen you a few times, it gets a little trickier. Taste is what’s left.”
– Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno, pg. 131

“A great standup is a victory over the self. […] So if you’ve done that, how you rank amongst colleagues doesn’t matter.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 136

“A great joke is short. That’s what makes it great: how much information is in just a few words.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 157

“In a way, it’s going to be harder for our kids. […] Your problem was: ‘Things are bad. I got to make it good.’ Their problem is going to be: ‘Things are good. Why do I feel bad?'” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 190

“I think that the day-to-day things are trivial, but you can find purpose. And if you find purpose, you’re a very lucky person.” – Norm Macdonald, pg. 192

“If you have a guitar, it says a lot about you. You’re thoughtful and you feel things.” – Joel Hodgson, pg. 197

“The audience creates the show.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 213

“‘I know what’s up.’ That’s the scam of stand-up comedy.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 218

“All artists are concealing of the art.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 223

“I like fixing jokes. I love a broken joke. ‘This doesn’t quite run. It’s a beauty, but we can’t get it running.’ I like to get in there with my tool kit.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 225

“You know what I love? When people laugh at the premise before you even get to the punch line.” – J.B. Smoove, pg. 233

“I think that comedy makes everyone feel weightless. The weight of whatever their troubles, or the weight of life, and in that moment, when you’re laughing, it’s like you’re free of earth’s gravity.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 238

“Jay Leno used to say comedy isn’t talent, it’s temperament.” – Sarah Silverman, pg. 242

“The real motivation of being a comedian is if you really love the sound of a laugh.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 250

“If you want money for whatever reason, the best way to get it is never make a decision based on money.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 254

“I always say that the things you remember in life are the things that happen right after you had butterflies.” – Brian Regan, pg. 287

“You know what they always say, ‘Money is the best lotion in the world.'” – Chris Rock, pg. 289

“I think if you have a horrible job you hate your whole life, [retirement is] fantastic. But the idea that you would stop doing what you adore because of a number? It’s insane.” – Martin Short, pg. 297

“All life is about the company you keep.” – Chris Rock, pg. 302

“The truth ends every conversation. If you just tell the truth, the conversation is over.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 304

“The little things. That’s all I care about. I think the big things are dull. […] The details are interesting. The details of life are interesting.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 306

“This show is kind of my valentine to the people I love.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 312