I started going to therapy nine months ago because I wasn’t quite sure what made me happy. And I’m thrilled to report that I still don’t know, since I’ve sidetracked all of my sessions so far with conversations about boys (*shrugs in Kevin James*). But now that I have less to talk about on the boy front – or maybe it’s that I’m growing sick of talking about them – we are back to square one!
The obvious place to start is, “Well, what do you like to do?” which has only really increased my concern around this search. Because the truth is, I don’t really like to do anything. I run twenty miles each week and read two books every month… does that mean I like running and reading? I mean, I’d rather waste away in front of a TV rewatching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and scooping port wine cheese onto Wheat Thins. Or playing the Playstation 2 games I stole from my brother and brought to Minnesota. But I don’t do that, because I would feel like a loser. And I’d get depressed from not working out and staying hot. And generally not amounting to things, as it were.
Ideally the older you get, the less things there are to struggle towards. As weird as it sounds, maybe it’s the lack of struggle that’s got me feeling so unhappy. Like… I have a cool job, in a fun city, with a nice apartment and a newish car, awesome friends & family back home in New England, and good health. It’s hard to envision ‘what’s next’ when I don’t necessarily want more than what I already have. But if I’m so content, why don’t I feel it? When I was moving city to city, I always felt like I was advancing to the next level – especially because I got to say, “I work for Bud Light,” or, “I work for the Seahawks.” And even though I wouldn’t paint my lifestyle in Saint Paul full of glitz and glamour, choosing to settle down here does feel a little like I’ve finally outgrown playing that game. Like I don’t feel the need to level up anymore. And as a result, I’m just aimlessly living life. I know down the road there will be new ‘games’ like designing a house or building a family. Those things just aren’t for me right now.
One time I asked my boyfriend, “Do you ever feel like this? Do you ever get this feeling of ‘What’s it all for?'” and he simply said, “No.” And when I think back to that answer, I am immediately filled with rage and reminded of why he is a recurring topic in therapy. However, I can’t help but admire someone living happily and throwing caution to the wind – even if he’s constantly listening to Barstool podcasts while doing so. At the end of the day, maybe I’d just be happier if I just didn’t think so much about being happy. Kind of like an old school dad with a Boston accent saying, “You’re not fuckin’ depressed,” which is low-key sometimes what a depressed person needs to hear so they can buck up and pull themselves out of it.
I’m not a fan of the Seahawks organization. But I am endlessly grateful that they gave me the opportunity to go from ‘brand side’ to ‘team side.’ Plus, there are tons of great humans and friends who work there: one of whom wrote this article only three days ago. It talks about a saying they ironically adopted right before I left:
“We used to call it, what’s next? Mike calls it chasing edges, but literally ever since Pete and I came through the door in 2010, it was constantly harping on, ‘What are you doing to get better every day?'”
I think I’m a person who’s compelled to chase edges. Being happy isn’t about simply doing more of the things I like to do – it’s about chasing an edge. It’s about being able to look back and go, “I improved this a little bit, I’m proud of what I did to get better in this small way,” even if I was unhappy doing some of the work that got me there. Contrary to everyone’s beliefs, I don’t usually ooze happiness by paying thousands of dollars in lease breaks and packing all my belongings into a moving pod. But I’m happy looking back on it and going, “That was a big accomplishment.”
So maybe I’m not unhappy after all right now, just uncomfortable. And not to stretch a metaphor, but maybe what’s making me so uncomfortable is that I’ve chased every edge that I can within the square I’m used to being in. I could chase a $200K salary. I could chase driving a Maserati in Miami instead of a Trailblazer in the Midwest. I could chase being 105 pounds and 10% body fat. But I don’t really care to. Maybe I just need to find a different square.
What matters most is that, here in this blog, I successfully verbalized what does make me happy. Which means I can once more utilize therapy for boys.
Okay, that’s not what matters most. I just want to end by saying: if you ever feel the way I do… Like you’re down and out thinking about, “What’s next?”… I do believe that it’s a gift. This thing that feels like unhappiness isn’t actually that. And it’s going to drive you to chase your next edge. Because looking back, you know it always has. And how special is it that your happiness comes – not from a quick fix hobby like running or reading – but from actually achieving your goals?
Footnote: because setting the image for this post has me feeling sentimental. Special thanks to Ralph, who paid $60 for Spiro: the Reignited Trilogy on his Playstation 5, so that I could play at his house while he ignores me for sports.
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