Author: Kelsey Mihachik

“I want to tell my stories and, more than that, I have to in order to stay sane.” – pg. xviii

“I am a girl with a keen interest in having it all.” – pg. xix

“It wasn’t always easy to live inside my brain, but I had a family that loved me.” – pg. 46

“The end never comes when you think it will. It’s always ten steps past the worst moment, then a weird turn to the left.” – pg. 48

“Emotions are exhausting to have.” – pg. 65

“I don’t love any of my old boyfriends anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.” – pg. 77

“There’s a certain grace to having your heart broken.” – pg. 144

“Ambition is a funny thing: it creeps in when you least expect it and keeps you moving.” – pg. 185

“Treat people the way you want to be described on their blog.” – pg. 264

“You are the queen of your world. Everyone is queen of their own world.” – pg. 17

“You just have to do what makes you happy and try not to fuck with a lot of other people along the way.” – pg. 150

“Anytime I am in need of comfort, I turn to Kraft Macaroni & Cheese […] and Dumb and Dumber. This will always make me happy.” – pg. 3

“Everyone has the potential to be someone who will change the world in big and small ways.” – pg. 6

“No matter what I am going through in life, I should write.” – pg. 6

“Now, looking back, I see a young, invincible idiot who thought stress would never kill me and I would live forever.” – pg. 28

“The truth is when things are taken away, other things grow up in the now negative space.” – pg. 34

“I think one of the hardest parts when life is scary and gets turned upside down is to trust that things will heal. And to keep on trusting, even when you have no idea when that might happen.” – pg. 219

“I can’t tell you how liberating that feeling would come to be, in every aspect of my life: ‘I’m doing the best I can do today.‘” – pg. 91

“I was learning that in choosing your own path, you can go wildly off course.” – pg. 203

“I wanted to do more of the job I lived for.” – pg. 227

“L’esprit de l’escalier – ‘the spirit of the staircase’ – [is] the French term for thinking of what to say after you’ve already left the party.” – pg. 275

“We are all made up from the weirdness that we try to hide from the rest of the world.” – pg. xiii

“There’s something about depression that allows you to explore depths of emotion that most ‘normal’ people could never conceive of.” – pg. xviii

“I’ve carved out a life that lets me hide when I need to because I wouldn’t survive any other way.” – pg. 46

“Maybe the scales that weigh everyone else’s emotions don’t work for me.” – pg. 82

“I’ve always been a fan of therapy. You spend an entire hour talking about yourself and someone has to fake being fascinated by the strange assemblage of minutiae that is you.” – pg. 105

“Someone once said that if you make something no one hates, no one will love it either, and that’s true. The same goes for art, writing, and people. Especially People.” – pg. 136

“I have learned that every person in the world is on the spectrum of mental illness.” – pg. 235

“Try to enjoy the amazingness of life while teetering at the edge of terror and fatigue.” – pg. 243

“There will be moments when you have to be a grown-up. Those moments are tricks. Do not fall for them.” – pg. 249

“Be happy in front of people who hate you. That way they know they haven’t gotten to you. Plus, it pisses them off like crazy.” – pg. 249

“Don’t sabotage yourself. There are plenty of other people willing to do that for free.” – pg. 250

“I realize that I’ve accomplished a lot in life and deep down I know that, but it doesn’t change the fact that I only have a few days a month where I actually feel like I was good at life.” – pg. 283

“If you don’t figure out how to conquer [boredom] when you’re a kid then you’re sort of fucked as an adult.” – pg. 300

“Quitting might be easier, but it wouldn’t be better.” – pg. 321

“We’re not only in the football business, we’re also in the entertainment business.” – George Preston Marshall, pg. 97

“It was what [Tim Mara] had always hoped for but feared might never happen. His city had lost its mind for his football team.” – pg. 116

“They were the most unique set of men in American sports history. They argued and fought like crazy, but the air was always cleared the next day. Through it all, they developed respect for each other and became the closest of friends.” – Upton Bell, pg. 156

“They had built out of nothing […] something millions now cared about. In that sense, their ob was done.” – pg. 326

“David was […] constantly balancing his sense of utter worthlessness with an inflated ego.” – Jason Alexander, pg. 57

“An idea too convoluted couldn’t be that funny.” – pg. 89

“One day you were writing something that just made you laugh, and the next day the nation was saying it over and over. That never got old.” – pg. 180

“My life is all about timing. […] The show was the greatest love affair of my life… We all felt we wanted to leave in love.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 201

“To truly upset a character, you must create a weakness or fear that you can tap into.” – pg. 4

“We care because they care.” – pg. 16

“[Evil characters] should still have their own stories and their own reasons for their actions. […] All villains have a value system that makes them believe their actions are right.” – pg. 74

“A good ending must make sense without being predictable.” – pg. 87

“What does your story present and explore that is universal and timeless? What is inherently human about it?” – pg. 95

“Head writers are looking for writers who can turn out comedy material that requires very little editing to get it to the point where the host is happy with it.” – pg. 14

“The joke-writing process may seem mechanical at first, but as you practice […] they’ll become more instinctive.” – pg. 93

“Let’s say you’re hungry some evening. Isn’t it easier to figure out exactly what you’re going to eat once you decide if you’re going to a restaurant, ordering food to be delivered to your home, or cooking for yourself? In the same way, if you want to create a new comedy piece you can make the task easier by first deciding on a general type of comedy piece. It’s much easier to create, say, an Audience Game than it is to create ‘something funny.'” – pg. 119

“You’ve got to have a beginning that gets you excited, a middle that grips you, and an end that delivers.” – pg. 161

Notes Log:

Terms

• Sidekick – Participates in prepared comedy and makes the host look better (Fred Armisen for Seth Meyers, or Steve Higgins for Jimmy Fallon)
• Bumper – A still photo/video appearing right before a commercial break. Mostly, this is the show’s logo over the live band.
• Cold Open – A minute-or-less comedic scene at the beginning of an episode. It’s infrequent, but one with a celebrity guest can be effective.
• Cold Close – Short comedic piece at the end of an episode, or during/after credits
• Monologue – A series of verbal jokes that the host makes after his entrance. Allows the host to gauge how tough audience will be. Remember, a punchline can be an image, a video, or other media. Every writer is expected to contribute
• Topic – A concise statement of the news item that the joke is based on (factually true, not funny, odd/interesting)
• Angle – Direction the joke will take. Maybe it’s just a phrase. It’s always surprising. If you create the punch line first, you can try multiple angles and find the funniest.

Six Punch Line Makers

• Link Two Associations from Brainstormed Lists
• Link to Pop Culture
• Question the Topic (ex. “Denny’s has a new sandwich called the fried cheese melt. It’s so good, it’ll have your friends saying, ‘Clear!'”)
• Find a POW
• Visualize the Image (ex. “Tom Cruise said about his divorce, ‘I didn’t see it coming.’ Apparently Katie Holmes left the divorce papers on top of the refrigerator.”)
• State the obvious (ex. “A rattlesnake handler was bitten twelve times. If you’ve been bitten, are you even a handler? Doesn’t that just make you someone who doesn’t know how to pick up snakes?”)

Types of Pieces

• Desk Piece – Most common. Host performs this fully-scripted segment, by himself, while sitting at the desk. They are mostly Joke Baskets (a series of interchangeable jokes underneath a topic. ex. Jimmy Fallon’s Thank You Notes)
• Found Comedy Piece – Jokes are based on unaltered objects – not originally intended to be funny (ex. “Obama Expressions” – Jimmy Fallon shows a photo of Obama laughing and says, “stop tickling me, Biden!”)
• Joke Basket Sketch – Involves performers in addition to host, and the jokes are interchangeable & united by a single topic (ex. “Rejected Star Wars Characters”)
• Story Sketch – Involves performers in addition to host. Jokes are NOT interchangeable. Instead, they fit a storyline. Most of the time, the host plays the straight man, while a comic character disrupts the show (ex. “Flashback Master Ron Dempsey”)
• Parody Sketch – Add an angle to some sort of video you find ripe for parody (Ex. “Oil of OJ” commercial)
• Live Semi-Scripted Piece – Host follows a script to interact with unpredictable civilians. Often an Audience Piece: where they tell stories, share talents, play games, vote, or achieve a task (ex. “Dave Calls a Pay Phone”)
• Field Piece – Camera crew records the host performing a task somewhere outside the studio, which can be location-dependent or independent (ex. “Tonight Show Photo Booth”)

Submission Packet Tips:

• Most writers don’t have one. So if you have one AND it’s fantastic, you’re at a huge advantage.
• Tailor it to the show you’re aiming for.
• Aim to write the same, but different.
• Title each comedy piece.
• Write monologue jokes within a week of submitting packet (so that they’re topical).
• 8 – 10 pages.
• Frontload the best comedy pieces, and save the least funny for last.
• Leave plenty of white space.
• Include name, address, phone, and email on title page.
• Register with WGA.