Author: Kelsey Mihachik

“Kids of the world deserve parents who are living vital, connected, passionate lives, in partnership with a supportive mate.” – pg. 27

“Everyone who is at all successful in comedy has had a secret comedy dork life in their adolescence.” – pg. 65

“Sometimes the people you need come into your life at just the right time.” – pg. 91

“So many things occur in the course of our lives that upon reflection they feel like they were meant to happen.” – pg. 103

“Many of us come to a time in our lives when the beliefs we grew up with collide with the reality of the world we find ourselves living in. It’s a common theme for the twentysomething-or-other.” – pg. 148

“Happiness is not something ‘just around the corner’ or ‘over the hill’ or that can be enjoyed as soon as you have a certain level of material comfort. It’s a moment-to-moment choice. Joy and contentment come from daily, hourly, minutely, secondly decisions to be grateful for what you have.” – pg. 190

“I knew that ultimately I needed to be myself, and screw whatever other people thought of me.” – pg. 197

“Sometimes repeated rejection is simply the All-Encompassing Creative Life Force preparing you for something greater, a different and grander plan.” – pg. 214

“There’s kind of a strange paradox in happiness. The more we seek it for ourselves, the harder it often is to find.” – pg. 285

“When you are able to tell your own story, you heal yourself.” – pg. 291

“I firmly believe that everyone should get punched in the face at least once in their life. It builds character. Getting your ass kicked teaches you that your body isn’t a glass menagerie figurine that you could shatter at any trauma. You gotta get lumped up sometimes. Then heal and know you are alright.” – pg. 103

“There are moments in a life that make you think maybe there’s a thread of meaning through this bumbling little experience. Seconds and inches that peel open the epidermis of the universe to reveal the intricate nervous system of interconnectivity that lies within. Things that make you say, ‘There might be something to this God thing after all.’ Little God moments.” – pg. 107

“The great irony of the addict is that the thing he takes, which is the only thing that has ever made life feel good, stops working long before he considers the possibility of life without it.” – pg. 256

“Why that day was any different, I don’t know. There comes a time. The pain of existence transcends the fear of change. There comes a time.” – pg. 282

“Everyone can agree that surfing is cool. […] I mean, what else is there? What else is life but a ceaseless ride forward where the best you can hope for is to keep some composure, some control of yourself, express your will in shifting tensions and harmonies with the overpowering, indifferent momentum until you’re knocked off or deposited and the whole experience vanishes, erasing itself behind you as the wave collapses, absorbed back into the formless spirit that gave it rise?” – pg. 105

“The experience you get isn’t always the experience you went looking for. What you were after sometimes turns out not to be the point. But who cares? What matters is the trip you took to get there.” – pg. 126

“Aren’t we all just travelers on a trip where the purpose, if there is one, is mysterious to us?” – pg. 181

“I’m no explorer, just a curious dope on a wide-eyed stumble.” – pg. 199

“Animals are great and all, but what humans get up to – that’s what’s really great to be a part of.” – pg. 241

“But when I scrolled back through my memory, of all the wonders I’d experienced, what mattered more than anything was people. Even strangers had become, in a few hours, more important to me than any wonder I saw, any mountain or ruin. And those were strangers. What about the people I loved? The people I loved the most were all back in the United States. They were hanging out in Los Angeles, drinking in New York, going to bed in Needham, Massachusetts. People are what’s best in the world, I say. People are what’s most interesting, too.” – pg. 295

“Good quarterbacks were hard to find. Great quarterbacks were untouchable. Quarterbacks who understood the cap game and how to motivate their teammates were perhaps one of a kind.” – pg. 134

“Humility usually comes from experiencing the bitterness of failure, not being lectured about it.” – pg. 144

“Never let your opponent define what the game is about.” – pg. 179

“At the genesis of winning is an understanding of how things and people work.” – pg. 301

“Change is inevitable and necessary. Sometimes it is also messy and infuriating.” – pg. 379

“Sit around too long and the next trend, the next great talent, the next rule change, will make you suddenly irrelevant. Adapt or be consumed.” – pg. 386

“People don’t talk to each other about real things because they’re afraid of how they’ll be judged. Or they think other people don’t have the capacity to carry the burden of what they have to say. They see the compulsion to put that burden out in the world as a show of weakness. But all that stuff is what makes us human; more than that, it’s what makes being human interesting and funny. How we got away from that, I don’t know. But fuck that. We’re built to deal with shit.” – pg. xvii

“The only plan I’ve ever had in life was to be a comedian. I’ve never been sure why, but as I get older I’m starting to think it was because I needed to finish the construction of myself.” – pg. 17

“That’s the big challenge of life – to chisel disappointment into wisdom so people respect you and you don’t annoy your friends with your whining.” – pg. 75

“If you survive your mistake, you must learn from it. Accept that you’re fragile, vulnerable, and sometimes stupid.” – pg. 141

“As you get older and wiser everything becomes a bit more loaded with meaning and/or completely drained of it. It sort of happens simultaneously.” – pg. 170

“I am not a stupid person. I am a fairly intelligent person who does stupid things.” – pg. 13

“After death takes someone from you, it gives you something back.” – pg. 116

“I don’t hate hardly ever, and when I love, I love for miles and miles.” – pg.155

“So there you have the secret to having a career in comedy. Be funny. Be yourself. Go on television.” – John Hodgman, pg. 11

“Why am I doing this? What do I have to say – need to say – on this specific day, to this group of people? It takes rigor, and a certain brave honesty, because sometimes the answer is small and dumb.” – John Hodgman, pg. 13

“You’re confident and content, and I’m afraid you just don’t have what it takes to work in comedy. Otherwise, this book is for you.” – pg. 16

“There are two things that almost everyone I talked to said about their comedy careers: (1) They didn’t even realize it was something you could make a career out of, and (2) the worst advice they ever got was to have a backup plan. […] No one gets there the same way, and where ‘there’ is depends entirely on the person. Besides, if you’re anything like me or the people in this book: you can’t do anything else.” – pg. 17

“Writing is sad and it is hard, because when you set out to write, something in you has to die.” – pg. 21

“What we must do next doesn’t make any sense, for it involves disassembling something that doesn’t yet exist and putting it back together without any instructions. The writer must describe just what it is they see in their mind’s eye, and in doing so, give it a beginning, middle, and end – and, in the case of comedy, also make it funny.” – pg. 25

“Writers, as the saying goes, love to have written.” – pg. 25

“[…] two primary functions of comedy: to push the bounds of comfort and to challenge authority.” – pg. 38

“Believe in the joke and stand by it, you should have nothing to apologize for.” – pg. 42

“Some people are quietly passionate, and that’s equally as effective, if not more so, than being loudly passionate.” – pg. 60

“The only dignity in comedy is one’s willingness to forego all dignity whatsoever.” – pg. 124

“It’s good to care about how someone else is doing. Narcissism is exhausting.” – pg. 137

“You get so used to trying to reach ‘the next level’ that you sometimes have to make yourself realize that the place you are is actually pretty good.” – pg. 154

“[…] the most important thing they can do is figure out who they are. As an artist. As a creator.” – pg. 172

“I think that’s good advice for anybody: don’t chase the money. It’s better to develop your creative vision and attempt to work with people that you really admire and respect and attempt to learn from them.” – pg. 216

“Confidence starts with actually liking your idea and believing in your own ability to pull it off.” – pg. 250

“In a job and way of life that is designed in most ways to destroy us, perspective is the most important skill we can possess.” – pg. 330

“To walk into a bookstore, you have to admit there’s something you don’t know.” – pg. 3

“I believe we’re all secretly happy we can’t figure our relationships out. It keeps our minds working.” – pg. 7

“But when you want to enjoy something, you must never let logic get too much in the way.” – pg. 111

“To me, if life boils down to one significant thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving. […] I mean that’s what death is, really, it’s the last big move of your life.” – pg. 179

“All I could focus on was that I was alone in my body. That no one would ever see through the same eyes as me, not ever. It filled me with a loneliness that only deepened when I was not alone.” – pg. 30

“It seems to me that sometimes the worst parents make the best grandparents. I’m not sure why. Maybe because there is enough of a generational separation that they don’t see their grandchildren as an extension of themselves, so their relationship isn’t tainted by any self-loathing.” -pg. 46

“Like any comedian, I’d rather have my sanity questioned than my skill.” – pg. 112

“I am in a frequent state of exasperation, but I also kind of love this about my life.” – pg. 133

“In general, I never want to deconstruct what I do because I worry it can be identity crisis-y.” – pg. 154

“At some point, I figured that it would be more effective and far funnier to embrace the ugliest, most terrifying things in the world. […] But for the sake of comedy, and the comedian’s personal sanity, this requires a certain emotional distance.” – pg. 156

“Garry emphasized that it would be up to me to set limits, to know what I can and cannot do, and that ‘quality of life’ does not mean ‘the most money you can possibly make.'” – pg. 177

“Find people you really respect and trust, and then at each decision, heed the most passionate voice.” – pg. 211

“Why do you want to be liked, Sue?” – Larry Doyle, pg. 61

“It is at the very least adventurous, and at worst suicidal.” – Buck Henry, pg. 112

“The next time you want to go Into the Wild with a bag of flaxseeds and a dream catcher to tap into your inner Earth Mother, remember we didn’t cure polio with a drum circle and some patchouli oil.” – Al Madrigal, pg. 123

“If you don’t respect the fact that your dog comes from a long line of meat eaters, you will not earn his trust, and in the end you won’t be able to manipulate his will.” – Aasif Mandvi, pg. 128

“Meanwhile, nourish your resentment of her. Store it and mold it into an emotional disposition that will make your new child love you more than its mother.” – Marc Maron, pg. 133

“Plus at around twenty-eight everyone becomes overweight and sluggish, and the most important things become happiness, money, and having (or being) a pretty wife who smiles really well (and doesn’t let on that everything is awful).” – Eugene Mirman, pg. 143

“The better question is, ‘What happens before you die?’ That’s where we run into most of the problems.” – Harold Ramis, pg. 171