“The same amount of work goes into the ones that bomb.” – David Spade on 2/22/23, 28:18
“I think there are people that have career dysmorphia. They don’t understand how much they bring to the table and they tend to run themselves down, and they tend to say, ‘I’m no good. I’m not nearly as good as these other people.’ And you’re looking at them thinking, ‘You’re fantastic. You’re amazing.'” – Conan O’Brien on 12/14/22, 2:13:55
“Comedy’s enemy is distraction.” – pg. 2
“I was seeking comic originality, and fame fell on me as a by-product.” – pg. 2
“I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts.” – pg. 29
“All entertainment is or is about to become old-fashioned.” – pg. 51
“I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naïveté, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do.” – pg. 54
“Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.” – pg. 104
“To politics I was saying, ‘I’ll get along without you very well. It’s time to be funny.'” – pg. 144
“In psychoanalysis, you try to retain a discovery; in art, once the thing is made, you let it go.” – Eric Fischl, pg. 202
“When I was a kid, I wanted to be a rapper, a comedian, a poet, a professional basketball player, a country singer, a break-dancer, or the owner of a pizza restaurant where third graders could hang out.” – pg. 17
“To be a comedian you have to be delusional. I think it’s because the human brain can’t process the amount of judgment that an audience casts upon you when you do standup comedy.” – pg. 25
“When I think about the people I’ve looked up to in my life, they all tend to be people who can’t stop.” – pg. 134
“We all have our share of secrets and dirty laundry […]. I see writing this book as a process of washing my laundry and hanging it out in the sun and fresh air to dry.” – pg. ix
“[I] was quite content being solitary as a child. In fact, I am still very much like that now. Not lonely, but alone with my thoughts, emotions, and reflections.” – pg. 12
“My goal in music was to please myself by loving the music I sang and wrote.” – pg. 95
“When you’re clutching a guitar, even if you’re not particularly playing it much, it functions as a shield between you and the audience.” – pg. 152
“In order to be a world-class expert in anything, […] one needs to have 10,000 hours of practice. On a pragmatic level, it takes about three hours a day over ten years to acquire 10,000 hours.” – Daniel J. Levitan, pg. 163
“I didn’t enjoy music for the fact that it brought me attention; I enjoyed it because the music itself brought me pleasure.” – pg. 167
“Artists have their entire life to write their first album, but less than a year to write their second.” – pg. 274
“I believe like any song, it belongs to whoever claims it, and its purpose becomes whatever it means for that individual.” – pg. 324
“Most things that I do in life I do because I enjoy the process, not because I think there is going to be a payoff at the end.” – pg. 344
“Address gaps with your partner and talk about them, acknowledge them.” – pg. 357
“Best not leave everlasting proof of your temporary insanity.” – Jane Fonda, pg. 361
“Time is like sleep: once you lose it, you never get it back.” – pg. 397
“I also am learning to accept that I won’t shine any more or less than I was created to.” – pg. 401
“There is always someone worse off and someone better off no matter what your lot in life. Your fortune or misfortune is relative to whatever surrounds you.” – pg. 404
“Unlike the spoken word, writing allows more time for reflection and revision.” – pg. 408
It’s the morning after the Super Bowl.
I’ve realized that the best way to make secondary plans is within close proximity to your primary plans. That way, you have excuses to not attend any tertiary plans you aren’t interested in. You can just pull the whole, “Sorry, I’m double booked this week and I’ll probably need to recharge” line.
For example: I had to work until 11pm last night. I feared that one of my coworkers might suggest staying later to drink and socialize, which I very obviously did NOT want to do. So to combat such a scenario, I planned both my H&R Block tax appointment (very adult) and my dentists’ appointment (only semi-adult) to be early the next morning. In New Hampshire. And as a result, drinking and socializing became tertiary. Voilà, “I cannot attend.”
I bring all of this up purely to segue into the fact that I had a dentists’ appointment today. I established care, as they like to call it, with a new office. There’s no environment quite as good at breeding rare terminology and offbeat compliments than the dentists’ office. And I’m not talking about when they said I have “strong, beautiful teeth and a healthy gum line (humblebrag).” I’m talking about when Lisa, who looked to be about 70, informed me that she was going to start scraping away at my teeth. Except she didn’t say it that way. No, what she actually said was, “I’m going to be stealing some treasures.”
On one hand, a part of that sounds fun. Almost like an underwater adventure. I pictured that “Deep Sea Diving” game in Mario Party, where you have to repeatedly tap A to swim to the bottom of the ocean, pick up a treasure chest, and then swim back up: all while avoiding the sharks. Cool, Lisa’s just trying to go on a playful little excursion with me!
On the other hand, referring to the built-up calculus on my teeth as, “treasures” made me view Lisa as a gross monster who collects these types of disgusting things in jars atop her apothecary. The go-to image in my head was, like, if you were to take the fortunetelling eyeball chicks from box-office sensation Hercules (starring Danny Devito as Phil) and mix them with any classic green Halloween witch… that would be Lisa. I imagined a world where she referred to my tooth calculus as, “her precious,” as she reached up on her tippy toes to store it in the cupboard just-so.
Unrelated to Lisa: my last dentists’ office used to tell me my teeth, “had character.” I kind of always thought that was mean. Because I knew they weren’t talking about some hot, Tyler Durden Fight Club-cool character. They were talking about some goofy nerd guy who, even for acquiring some level of fame in Hollywood, might still find it hard to fuck someone. I’d say think Michael Cera, except now he’s a cult favorite on Twitter. So maybe it’s more along the lines of the guy who plays The Riddler in the new Batman movie. The one that’s essentially a three hour music video for Nirvana’s, “Something in the Way.”
It’s now 1:45pm. I’m at my parents house, and I’m going to take a nap with my curtains drawn. If the curtains are drawn, does that mean they’re open, or closed? Does it rely on the context of the sentence? Alright see ya.
There’s a coffee shop around the corner from my work that serves the softest, warmest chocolate chip cookies. They also makes the creamiest iced mocha possible to the palate. The coffee shop is called Seven Grams.
I’m afraid to claim it as my coffee shop, because it’s actually my manager’s manager’s coffee shop. So while I’m over here saving my Starbucks venti plastic cups and reusing them at home just to fabricate the feeling that I bought my coffee, she shows up to work with a cup from Seven Grams every day. Keep in mind, the coffee I make at home makes me want to jump off of a skyscraper. It’s the equivalent of a vodka soda with lime: it does what I need it to, but I’m not enjoying it. Anyways, this isn’t about my coffee. It’s about Seven Grams.
Seven Grams is a bit of a treat to me. If I’m feeling sad, feeling accomplished, or if I find some other various excuse to spend $7 on a coffee, this is where I go. And if you ever go there, please know that I’m the reason they now put plastic lids on their iced drinks.
I was running late to work one morning and said, fuck it, I might as well get a coffee on the way. It was a classic move in high school: “If you’re going to get a late warning, you might as well be as late as possible.”
So I ordered my iced mocha and carried it over to the little desk place where there’s…….. coffee condiments? What’s that about anyways? If I wanted something else in my coffee, I would’ve just ordered it that way. But at these coffee condiment desks, you can add more shit, stir your drink, and garnish your coffee with cardboard slips or weird powders. Seems unnecessary. But at Seven Grams, this is where they also keep their plastic lids. So just to reiterate: the barista will hand you your coffee WITHOUT a lid, expecting you to fend for yourself and get one at the desk.
As I type and relive this stupid insignificant story, I just remember I was upset about something that day. I can’t recall what. But it’s probably for the best since I tend to unload my issues in a really unentertaining way on my private Snapchat story for the 7 people that I have added to it. I went to put a lid on my coffee, but it just wouldn’t fit. And I knew it was the right lid because I order the same coffee every time I go to this place. Hence, I must place the same lid on my coffee each time. But on this particular day, the lid did seem a little thicker than usual. So I pushed it on when suddenly the side of my cup split. Coffee everywhere. Covering my shoes. Spreading across the floor. At the busiest time possible. So like the rational person I am, I figured I’d make matters worse by instinctively crying. The barista pulled the old, “we got a kid who dropped their ice cream” and offered to make me a new one like a sweetheart. But like, it was still embarrassing as fuck.
It was only after the fact that I noticed the lid must’ve been manufactured wrong, because it wasn’t just stuck to a second lid. Yes I can be stupid, but I’m not inherently an idiot. These two lids were inseparable: glued together and created specifically to throw a wrench in my morning.
I share this story for no reason other than the fact that I got an iced mocha from Seven Grams today, and it was delicious. I’ve been twice in the last week. But I did avoid going there from approximately November to February out of self-disgust. Please be happy for me, as I have finally overcome my fears and returned to my manager’s manager’s favorite coffee shop.
“I’m not the biggest fan of confrontation. I ask a lot of questions. Just not out loud.” – pg. 16
“That therapist’s insight has been correct every single time – if a woman keeps her shoes on, it’s a make-out session at best.” – pg. 56
“I can’t decide if I actually like people or not.” – pg. 64
“You know how sometimes the universe has plans for you that are hard to believe, how the world wants something for you even though you’ve done your best to close off that avenue? Welcome to my 1994.” – pg. 79
“You have to get famous to know that it’s not the answer. And nobody who is not famous will ever truly believe that.” – pg. 81
“There are no stars here. This is an ensemble show. We’re all supposed to be friends.” – Courteney Cox, pg. 90
“God is everywhere – you just have to clear your channel, or you’ll miss it.” – pg. 161
“I don’t want to die. I’m scared to die.” – pg. 219
“I don’t need to put on a show anymore. I have made my mark. Now it’s time to sit back and enjoy it.” – pg. 229
“There is such freedom in living for yourself. Only really being responsible for yourself.” – pg. 130
“I personally want to raise someone cool so there aren’t only idiots to inherit the earth.” – pg. 137
“It’s hard to know what’s best for your kid, but one thing is for sure: you want them to be able to relate to other people in the world.” – pg. 186
“If I’m not around, I feel like you will float off into the ether of worry and anxiety. And my job is to remind us of the practical reality.” – Moshe Kasher, pg. 201
“Because, at the end of the day? It’s your career, life, face, image, and feelings on the line, and no one should care – or have the power to fuck things up for you – more than you.” – pg. 26
“I’m not going to downplay my strengths just so you feel less shitty about your own shortcomings.” – pg. 44
“P.S. If her name is Kelsey, I guarantee they’re all trying to fuck her. There are no ugly Kelseys.” – pg. 76
“The common denominator among my women friends is consistency. They show up, they care, they don’t judge.” – pg. 82
“If you couldn’t do the thing you loved most, would you truly feel complete? If I couldn’t express myself and make people laugh for a living, I would crumble inside.” – pg. 142
“You’ll realize that all the fretting and self-loathing wasn’t worth it because […] everyone else is only paying attention to themselves anyway.” – pg. 149
“By the way, ‘Your standards are too high’ is someone’s subtle way of saying that you want someone that brings more to the table than you are bringing yourself. There’s no such thing as ‘too high’ if you’re exceptional! You think anyone ever told Leonardo DiCaprio his standards were too high?” – pg. 170
“You teach people how to treat you.” – pg. 215
“I guess I choose to focus on the negative versus basking in the positive […] because some part of me doesn’t think anything I’ve done is actually all that great.” – pg. 222
“Passion is doing something over and over and never growing tired of it.” – pg. 224
“It’s really hard to be mysterious if no one is paying attention to you in the first place.” – pg. 46
“One thing I appreciate about the crew is that […] they are there every day. […] They are the village that it takes to make a movie – no job is too big, no job is too small, and all of them are the filmmakers.” – pg. 93
“I have learned to live in, and love, all of these cities. […] Sure I have my melodramatic homesick moments […], but I’ve gotten good at making new friends.” – pg. 144
“I had an acting teacher, Eden Cooper-Sage, who told me ‘We are what we spend our time doing.'” – pg. 158
“We never moved in with each other. And as of today, we still haven’t. […] We lead a very double life. Or we have the best of both worlds, depending on your preferred idiom.” – pg. 192
“The best time to plant an apple orchard is twenty years ago; the second best time is today.” – Doug Chalke via Sarah Chalke, pg. 197
“Never promise crazy a baby.” – George Bluth Sr., regarding promising Kitty Sanchez a baby while hiding out with her, pg. 199
“How long would you spend trying to fit a puzzle piece into a puzzle where it didn’t fit? More than a minute?” – pg. 226
“Make everyone you love feel loved.” – pg. 231
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