“And of course, that is the whole fun of a new idea. You don’t know what it is exactly or where it’s going.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. x
“It wasn’t ‘Having’ or ‘Drinking’ coffee. We’re ‘GETTING’ it. I think that’s the real distinction. Someone handing you a coffee is not at all the same as them saying, ‘Hey, would you like to go get a coffee?’ That question is really a way of saying, ‘I like you enough to do absolutely nothing with.’ No higher compliment, in my way of thinking.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. x
“Discovering and describing the world is the only reason I can see for trying so hard to continue living.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. xiii
“Comedians notice every little thing. It’s kind of hell. But you’ve lived that way your whole life, so it’s fun to meet someone else who’s trapped in this hell with you.” – Amy Schumer, pg. 3
“Being funny doesn’t have that much to do with what a great comedy act is about. A great comedy act is a machine that’s built. Being funny is the fuel, but you’ve got to have a whole machine to burn it, and that’s the act.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 3
“Jerry’s line was, ‘Let’s make it like a wallet on a sidewalk.’ We had that conversation. ‘Let’s not promote it. Let’s not tell anybody we’re doing it.'” – Ted Nelson, pg. 6
“He’ll throw away the bottom third. Not because it’s bad, but because it’s not as good as the top two-thirds.” – Peter Holmes, pg. 17
“He’s a real wordsmith. And language for him is comedy. If you don’t use the right word, it’s not as funny.” – Yossi Kimberg, pg. 18
“Comedy is an important art form. I think what makes people laugh defines people. You learn a lot about yourself by figuring out what makes you laugh.” – Ted Sarandos, pg. 20
“Every day I came to work it felt like I was stealing money.” – Peter Holmes, pg. 21
“[Lorne] kept me around, and as things opened up, he found a home for me that allowed me to play to my strengths.”
“And then you figure out you’re funny when you’re you.”
“Which is the greatest gift on earth.”
– Seth Meyers and Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 47
“The show’s for them. The bits are for you.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 50
“If you want to be a warrior you must sleep with your sword.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 51
“There’s no awful gigs. […] Because they’re paying you to do something that you love to do.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 51
“If you got the choice between getting half the money and killing and getting your full check and just doing okay, I think you would take the half the check. I would.” – Jay Leno, pg. 52
“That was going to be my life, whether or not I was successful.” – Jon Stewart, pg. 56
“If you’re bad, you can’t help but get better.” – John Oliver, pg. 68
“There was a guy who took over in the ’30s in the BBC, and there was a press conference. And when journalists said, ‘So you’re going to give the people what they want?’ he said, ‘Lord no. I’m going to give them something much better.’ Isn’t that wonderful?” – Ricky Gervais, pg. 100
“[TV is] like a newspaper. It’s not going to be perfect, but you’ll get it every day.” – Joel Hodgson, pg. 102
“You’re the only audience. If it pleases you, it will please them. If you don’t laugh, they’re not going to laugh.” – Mel Brooks, pg. 105
“People don’t understand that what makes a comedian funny is how serious he is.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 124
“Taste is what’s left after your appetite has been satisfied?”
“Yes. Does that make sense to you?”
“No.”
“Well, think about it. If you’re hungry, you eat.”
“If you’re hungry, everything tastes good.”
“It’s like that with comedy too. When you’re hot, […] people laugh at everything you do. Then after they’ve seen you a few times, it gets a little trickier. Taste is what’s left.”
– Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno, pg. 131
“A great standup is a victory over the self. […] So if you’ve done that, how you rank amongst colleagues doesn’t matter.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 136
“A great joke is short. That’s what makes it great: how much information is in just a few words.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 157
“In a way, it’s going to be harder for our kids. […] Your problem was: ‘Things are bad. I got to make it good.’ Their problem is going to be: ‘Things are good. Why do I feel bad?'” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 190
“I think that the day-to-day things are trivial, but you can find purpose. And if you find purpose, you’re a very lucky person.” – Norm Macdonald, pg. 192
“If you have a guitar, it says a lot about you. You’re thoughtful and you feel things.” – Joel Hodgson, pg. 197
“The audience creates the show.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 213
“‘I know what’s up.’ That’s the scam of stand-up comedy.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 218
“All artists are concealing of the art.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 223
“I like fixing jokes. I love a broken joke. ‘This doesn’t quite run. It’s a beauty, but we can’t get it running.’ I like to get in there with my tool kit.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 225
“You know what I love? When people laugh at the premise before you even get to the punch line.” – J.B. Smoove, pg. 233
“I think that comedy makes everyone feel weightless. The weight of whatever their troubles, or the weight of life, and in that moment, when you’re laughing, it’s like you’re free of earth’s gravity.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 238
“Jay Leno used to say comedy isn’t talent, it’s temperament.” – Sarah Silverman, pg. 242
“The real motivation of being a comedian is if you really love the sound of a laugh.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 250
“If you want money for whatever reason, the best way to get it is never make a decision based on money.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 254
“I always say that the things you remember in life are the things that happen right after you had butterflies.” – Brian Regan, pg. 287
“You know what they always say, ‘Money is the best lotion in the world.'” – Chris Rock, pg. 289
“I think if you have a horrible job you hate your whole life, [retirement is] fantastic. But the idea that you would stop doing what you adore because of a number? It’s insane.” – Martin Short, pg. 297
“All life is about the company you keep.” – Chris Rock, pg. 302
“The truth ends every conversation. If you just tell the truth, the conversation is over.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 304
“The little things. That’s all I care about. I think the big things are dull. […] The details are interesting. The details of life are interesting.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 306
“This show is kind of my valentine to the people I love.” – Jerry Seinfeld, pg. 312
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