“I like bad movies and bad comedy and bad writing and bad editing.” – pg. 4
“I don’t care if you’re a total stranger. Ring my doorbell and say ‘I’m here to see the briefcase magnet.’ I will put on a pair of pants and start brewing some coffee.” – pg. 4
“I’ll do anything to not write when someone is paying me. I’ll even write about not writing to avoid writing.” – pg.11
“Believe it or not, my dream is to leave this world without having been responsible for anyone’s pain.” – pg. 112
“I am definitely more talented than people who get more done and make more money than me.” – pg. 132
“None of us are bad people. We float around and we run across each other and we learn about ourselves, and we make mistakes and we do great things. We hurt others, we hurt ourselves, we make others happy and we please ourselves. We can and should forgive ourselves and each other for that.” – pg. 137
“Doing TV comedy is the definition of insanity. First, you and your staff tell each other 30 jokes, and you keep the ten that make everybody laugh. Sane enough. Then you spend three months telling those ten jokes to each other 5,000 times each, until not a single one is funny by anyone’s standards.” – pg. 147
“I’m the guy that writes unairable TV shows. I’m so good at it that the one time I accidentally wrote an airable one, it fired me.” – pg. 149
“If you don’t even know who you are and all you know is that you want to be loved, you’ll try to be anyone you can be in order to get loved.” – pg. 157
“Nobody’s out to hurt me, if only for the simple reason that they’ve got better things to do with their time.” – pg. 158
“Some people are crazy, for real – not crazy like me and my friends, who call ourselves crazy to keep ourselves in check.” – pg. 167
“My goal is to reduce the rate at which I plunge into a relationship until it’s actually slower than the rate at which I get sick of someone.” – pg. 172
“You need to understand, in case you don’t already, that I’m an obsessive man. I have a mental problem. I obsess. And it helps me in my work, and it hurts me in my work. And it helps me in love, and it hurts me in love. It bewilders me in traffic, it suffocates me at the bank, it lets me jump over certain skyscrapers and it keeps me from tying my shoes. I’m not a hero. I’d like to think I’m not a villain, but I am not a hero. I am just another crazy person.” – pg. 180
“I should learn to live my life like that, remove the backspace key, stay in the moment.” – pg. 190
“You’d think my life was hard from watching me avoid living it.” – pg. 192
“We were sometimes happy but often bored and mostly miserable. As with all my relationships. As with relationships in general.” – pg. 198
“I believe that 10% of all people are just smart enough to tell that 85% what to do and think, and just dumb enough to believe it’s acceptable to do so. […] I look at myself as belonging to the remaining 5%, an elite group of enlightened people who lead by example, never by force, and who choose to pursue their own perfection, and thereby the perfection of humanity.” – pg. 215
“Like every human on the planet, I just want other people to like me. I want them to think I’m good at my job.” – pg. 218
“Your life unfolds. It’s not a maze where you turn left or right, it’s just a little ride where you’re buckled in and then it’s over.” – pg. 222
“I don’t trust your value system if you have to assert it. It’s my first indication that you don’t believe what you’re saying. If I’m at a party, and I ask what your favorite movie is, and you tell me your favorite movie is real life and you don’t like movies because they remove you from the more important story of humanity, I don’t believe you, and it’s not because I’m a cynic, it’s because if you really felt that way, it would have been easier for you to say, ‘I don’t know’ or ‘Star Wars’ so we could get on with te actual human interaction you love so fucking much.” – pg. 230
“Everything I’ve ever done just sort of floats to the middle of the tank and nothing has ever broken the surface and I have no reason to suspect any of it ever will.” – pg. 257
“There will be discouragement from all sides, but unless it comes from inside, don’t pay attention to it.” – pg. 275
“Everyone’s an idiot. If everyone wasn’t an idiot, I wouldn’t be perceived as smart.” – pg. 278
“Yours, Mine, and Duprees,
Dan Harmon” – pg. 281
“I like my words and for some reason I need them to be publicly posted in order to write them.” – pg. 302
“The attempt to start being funny starts with the internal recognition that you’re currently not being funny or feeling funny.” – pg. 327
“It’s called ‘social grace,’ I don’t really have it and you can’t force it with kids. […] So now I just ignore kids and some of them warm up to me before they get old enough to start making fun of me.” – pg. 359
“The only thing worse than being a bad writer is being pretentious and acting like your bad writing really takes a lot out of you.” – pg. 420
“To mutate one of my favorite proverbs: There are two ways to think. You can think there are two ways to think, or you can think.” – pg. 425
siftyproductions.com 